Dealing with Loss is a guest blog by blogger and mental health advocate, Opie.
Nineteenth, 20th and 22nd February, 2014 are days I will never forget in my life. February 19 was my firsthand experience of the loss of someone we (my husband and I) love and were eager to meet to start the next phase of our lives with.
The first time the doctor hesitated or took extra long with a scan was when we visited the hospital for our scheduled antenatal checkup. It was at that visit that we were informed, much to our surprise, that we were expecting twins. Not one human, but TWO!!!! The hesitation that day was because the doctor discovered that one of the eggs had split and wanted to be absolutely sure before announcing it.
Once she was sure after the umpteenth time and many changes in her facial expressions, she confirmed we were no longer expecting twins but TRIPLETS!!! Multiples are usually termed high risk so we always had to have a scan from an external laboratory in addition to the hospital scans just to ensure our angels and myself had a safe birth.
They were due in April 2014 (it was a planned CS before the due date) but under normal circumstances, their due date was supposed to be in May 2014. I was 27 weeks gone, with just about 9-10 weeks to go before we could physically meet our three strong and special boys: Jesse, Jordan and Jayden. I couldn’t wait!
…And the unfortunate happened
February 18 was hubby’s birthday and the next day was my next antenatal checkup. It was at this visit that we were informed of the passing on of one of our boys. Unfortunately, the second one passed on the next day.
We were left with the last one; our little fighter and the last straw of hope we were clutching on to. He spent two to three days in Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) but unfortunately lost the fight on February 22. I cried my eyes out when I heard the news, just like when I first heard the news of the death of the first.
The shock
No one prepared us for the phases of grief we would go through. I detached myself from the world and cried myself to sleep. It all felt like a dream and I spent each day not really living but simply passing time on earth. What could have? What would have? These were questions that kept running through my mind.
For some strange reason when you experience the loss of a child, that is when you see babies everywhere! When you are dealing with loss is also when you discover that talking about such losses seems like a ‘well-known’ secret: people go through it but it only comes up when another mother goes through same.
Moving on
Sometimes, I would want to grieve and move on with life. In this state, I would prefer people around me to not raise it up to take me back or slow down my recovery process.
At other times, I would want a comforting ear. A friend who was willing to listen and hopefully help me vent my pain.
And on other days, simple solitude was all I craved for.
I really hated those comforting words, ‘Once the calabash is not broken, you can still have more kids,’ although these words usually came from a good place.
My husband and I, thanks to God, worked through the grief. It was either we grew stronger together or created a huge weft between us. This is because if you have experienced loss of this kind before, you would know that men and women heal and grieve differently. It is not a competition of who grieves the most or who is most responsible for the loss.
What could have been done better to help us deal with the loss?
• First, from the hospital, a therapist could have been prescribed at your option to guide and help you through the grieving period. It is not an experience that can simply be forgotten.
• Second, friends and relatives should not assume that they should give you space to grief. A simple text to check up and words of support to show that you are not alone and can be called on for any assistance.
• Linked to the above, simple silent presence (although awkward), a hug and a listening ear mean more to a grieving person than appearing as the judge of circumstances. It is a loss and not a court case of who should be blamed for the loss. When the person has fully grieved and ready to talk is when with caution, you can present your what-if analysis and scenarios.
• Simple acts such as creating a memorial (framed bodysuit with message, finger and footprints framed with a heavenly message, etc.) for the child, although emotional, can be consoling.
How do you get over the loss?
• Cry if you have to, don’t allow anyone to determine how you grieve, but most importantly do not get stuck in that phase.
• This is no time to blame yourself or anyone for that matter unless there is proven negligence. Most of the time, the root cause of the death is not known.
• If your partner doesn’t cry, it does not mean they are not grieving. Some people grieve by absorbing themselves in work or isolating themselves. Talking to each other about how you feel also helps avoid any further stress or complications.
• Always pray to God and talk to him. It is quite difficult because you would expect Him to have showed up for you in the first place.
• Try journaling your thoughts and feelings. This experience actually birthed my inspirational blog OMT’s Digest and I wrote a beautiful tribute in honour of all parents who have experienced the loss of their child: The shattered joy of parenthood.
• Use your experience to heal others. Looking back, the calls that made the most impact on me were those where other mothers shared their miscarriages and stillbirth stories with me. It meant I was not alone and there was hope. I was also privileged to share my experience with other mothers to also spread the story of hope. That was my way of honouring their memory, healing myself and also moving on at the same time. The more I talked, the less I got teary because of the purpose I was serving.
Do you fully recover?
You never really get over it even after two kids. Anytime I see twins or triplets, I wonder how my boys would have looked like. They would have been eight years old by now. I am who I am because they made a show in my life and my life took a complete U-turn for the better.
Dealing with loss is difficult. Sometimes I wish I did a proper burial or memorial for them instead of leaving it to the hospital. Sometimes, I ask God why it happened. He could simply have kept them alive and found another way for me to fulfil my purpose on earth.
I still keep their scans and tell their stories to my two kids. They know they have three strong brothers in heaven. We decided to maintain the name Jesse for the boy (he is three in one, lol). My rainbow baby was my daughter and she enjoyed a whole lot of clothing and spares because we shopped for clothing in triplicates for the triplets back then.
We grieved and yet we live
The best memorial you can have for these angels is to live a life of purpose to fulfil their legacy. If you are stuck today, you should know your cherished angels in heaven are also not having a good day unless you determine in your heart that you are on a journey of positivity and impact in their memory. I made it, Eastwood Anaba made it and others have also made it. YOU CAN MAKE IT TOO!
NB: If you need a listening ear, you can simply email me at omtsdigest@gmail.com